So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
