So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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