So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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