just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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