Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
50% drunk capacity currently
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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