Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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