My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
