The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
