so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
