Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
