Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
