my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I need water and some morals
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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