Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
