Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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