I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
