i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
