Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
