shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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