put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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