The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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