i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
