Only a mothe r could love this liver
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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