I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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