IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
