Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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