I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
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Edward fifth and chaser hands
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
