Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
