When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i dont even know how to be here
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
