I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
