Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
