The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Jerry, you need to find god
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
