Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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