So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
