i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
