i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
