I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize