all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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