Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
