Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
