The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
