Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
