I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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