Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
