i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I deserve to be covered in dicks
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
