There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
