Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
