I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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