: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
