I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
