You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
