at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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