Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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