my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
