i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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