Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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