no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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