By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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