Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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