you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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