First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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