Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
