please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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