You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
