Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
